“Watch actions. Words are pretty, poetic and fun. But watch what people do, not what they say.”
It’s an understatement to say that dating in New York City is hard. Millions of people live here and it can be difficult to find a “perfect” match – or any match that doesn’t ghost you or send unsolicited pics. Perhaps that’s why “The Psychology of Love” event with Aimee Barr was packed on Galentine’s Day, Feb. 13.
Six Degrees Society was hosted by Dear Drew on 14 Crosby Street. In a space that’s mostly furnished with Drew Barrymore’s own belongings, Six Degrees Society members enjoyed 10% off of purchases during the night.
Aimee explained the three different styles of Attachment Theory (anxious, avoidant and secure) and how these roles can help or hurt our relationships. To take the quiz and get more information about the theory, check out the book “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love.”
· Anxious (25% of population): Aimee says, “You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner doesn’t wish to be as close as you would like him or her to be and you may take your partner’s behavior too personally.”
· Avoidant (25% of population): Aimee says, “It’s very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency. Even though you want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length.”
· Secure (50% of population): This is the attachment style to strive for as Aimee says it’s proven to have healthier relationships. Aimee says, “You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride, effectively communicate your needs and share your successes as well as problems with your mate.”
Aimee provided a worksheet for SDS attendees to figure out what kind of attachment style they are. She also had a few recommendations for how to improve your relationship / steps to think of if you’re looking for a relationship:
1) Wear your heart on your sleeve. Avoid hiding parts of your personality and feeling resentful when the other person “just doesn’t get it.”
2) Focus on your needs. We all come with invisible warning labels of who we are.
3) Be assertive rather than apologetic. Say “Thank you” instead of “I’m sorry”. Ex: “Thank you for meeting me” instead of “I’m sorry you had to go out of your way.”
She also draws from astrology to help inform her understanding of the healing process. Aimee said that she does an astrological chart for each of her new clients and read a chart for someone right in the room for this event!
This was Leigh Ann Sauerbier’s first SDS event and she came with her friend Dana, another first-time SDS attendee. “I walked out of the event saying, ‘Oh I am definitely THIS type of attachment,’” Leigh Ann said. “I felt like Aimee gave me invaluable tools to work out some issues that have come up in my relationships.”
After the event, SDS spoke with Leigh Ann to discuss what drew her to the “Psychology of Love” event, which attachment style she is and what she thinks is the hardest part about dating in NYC.
SDS: What do you do and how did you find out about Six Degrees Society?
LS: I am an audiologist at an ENT office on the Upper East Side. I test people’s hearing and if they need rehabilitation with hearing aids, I am able to guide them through the process. Words can’t express how rewarding it is to help people hear because hearing connects people to each other. My friend Dana told me about the SDS event that we attended, which she found out about from social media. Dana is a lifestyle blogger and is much more in tune with fun events that are happening around the city! We both had no clue that SDS was more of a women’s networking group.
SDS: What attracted you to the “Psychology of Love” event?
LS: I am someone who loves psychology, but did not study it as my profession. I love to listen to psych podcasts, read Psychology magazine, and watch documentaries relating to the psychology of why people make the choices they do. Because of my interests, this SDS event was RIGHT up my alley! I did not know much about Attachment Theory before the event, but Aimee broke it down in a concise way that really clicked with me.
SDS: What were you expecting out of this event?
LS: As for the networking part of the event, it was an unexpected surprise! Dana signed me up for the SDS event because we both thought the topic of the Psychology of Love was interesting, but honestly I had NO idea that SDS was a full blown organization. It was serendipitous that it turned out to be a women’s community, because I have been looking to join something exactly like SDS, but couldn’t find the right match! And here I am at the event, feeling like it just found me! I cannot wait to become more involved with SDS, and I feel like it’s such a gem that I was lucky enough to trip over.
SDS: Did you take the attachment theory quiz / what kind of attachment style do you have? Did the answer surprise you?
LS: I did take the quiz! I actually got an even split between Avoidant and Secure. Getting the result of secure surprised me, honestly, because I thought that I was classically avoidant. It made me feel good that I have a ton of secure qualities too.
SDS: What’s the hardest part about dating in New York City?
LS: The hardest part is that EVERYONE seems to be on an app. The dating pool was always large, but when you can swipe through literally thousands of people, it sometimes makes you feel like there’s always someone else out there that you hope you’re not missing out on. Like even if you meet a guy who checks off all your relationship-boxes, you still have, in the back of your mind, that MAYBE you can find an even BETTER version of him. Because, after all, this is New York! He has to be out there somewhere, right?! You could chase down your “perfect” man forever on those apps, and never actually get anywhere.
SDS: Aimee said that communication is a central part of relationships but knowing how to deal with people’s frustrations is key. She said to ask, “If you were upset with me, how would I know?” What do you think about that method?
LS: I think that’s a good way to see how someone addresses conflict. Every couple has disagreements and will have a fight eventually, so it’s important to learn how address conflict in a way that doesn’t destroy the relationship completely.
SDS: Was there anything that Aimee or other SDS members said that resonated with you? Is there a word / sentence that stuck in your mind?
LS: The attachment theories really resonated with me, because I feel like it helps me even understand my friends and family better, not just my romantic partner.
If you’re curious about exploring psychology and astrology, you can book an appointment with Aimee and discover more information here.